Still to Be
by storywriter30
Summary: He doesn't mind all the help she needs now, but she knows he will - one day. And the thought brings tears to her eyes. That's why she said no. A post- Crazy Train fic.


He sits quietly and in the corner while they suture her leg. She refuses any painkillers. She can't feel it anyway.

 _He_ could use some painkillers. But he doesn't say that. She's not in the mood. He crosses his feet and exhales. Everything is heavy.

Deeks refrains from pulling the ring out of his pocket. When she had been in coma, he would periodically pull it out of his pocket and stare at it. He liked to feel the gold between his fingers – to know that it would sit on her own finger for the rest of her life.

He knows she did not mean _no_. But after all of this time, after everything he's seen her go through, he just wants it on her finger.

He wants a lot of things, but that's the one he thinks he can have.

Kensi tells Emily – today's nurse, that she's tired and so Emily and the Nurse Practitioner who stitched her leg help her shift in bed and fix the pillows and they cover her with a blanket. And then Emily leaves and flicks the lights and levels Deeks with a sympathetic glance.

* * *

Kensi shifts in bed and tries not look Deeks' way. She knows that she disappointed him today – that he's probably been waiting weeks by her side for her have that ring on her finger. But she can't. Not now – not like _this_.

Sure, he likes helping her now – he doesn't mind that she isn't the way that she used to be, he doesn't mind that she can't do anything for herself, but that will all change. He will grow to resent her – she knows that.

And she knows that the future will only aid in that. She'll spend her days waiting for Deeks to come back from the field where some young, straight out of FLETC NCIS recruit will have his back and joke with him and tease him. And sooner or later…his eyes _will_ wander.

The thought brings tears to her eyes and she wants so badly to say his name to ask him to come hold her, but instead, she squeezes her eyes shut and wills herself to sleep. She's exhausted anyway.

Kensi is pushing herself far harder than the physical therapists are. She needs herself to be making more and more progress than she is. She hasn't felt this frustrated and this helpless since the NCIS agent told her that he had to close her father's case. She is once again surrounded by all of these people who love her and want to support her and yet no one can fix her problem.

Small steps in her recovery are not enough and that's why she tried to stand on her own today. And that small fall earlier in the day took a lot more out of her than she would prefer to admit. Her whole body aches, but she won't tell anyone that. She doesn't need more pain medicine.

So Kensi shifts against the pillow and cracks one eye open – Deeks is still motionless across the room. She closes her eyes again and lets the weight of the day claim her body.

Somehow, she drifts out of consciousness.

* * *

He waits in heavy silence for a couple minutes before pushing himself off the corner chair. Kensi is sleeping now. He likes watching her sleep – she looks peaceful, something she doesn't experience when she's awake. It soothes him.

He slides his fingers through the blinds and peers out the window for a moment. There's a man in the courtyard walking with a walker. Deeks thinks he can make out a semper fi tattoo on his left arm, his right leg his now a prosthetic.

When Sam put the tourniquet on her leg in Syria, it was the first time that Deeks had realized that the chance of her coming out of this without a devastating injury was slim. Then, he'd thought she would lose her leg.

Now, he's worried she's losing herself.

Deeks turns back from the window and sinks into the couch. He's too tense to be comfortable; too anxious to do anything with his hands but fold them.

He wants to fix this for her. To reassure all of her fears. But he can't and part of him knew, even in the moment that proposing to her in the courtyard wasn't the right move today.

But he'd rationalized the decision. If made her smile, if it made her happy, even for a few minutes, than it was the right moment.

* * *

When she wakes, the sun has set, Deeks is slumped sideways on the couch and flipping through emails on his phone.

"You're still here," she whispers and she's in awe.

Her words break him out of his trance and he rubs his face and leans towards her. "Yeah," he nods, "Yeah, I am."

She stretches and groans. "You don't have too."

"I know," he says. He watches as she winces while she tries sit up. "Let me help," Deeks scrambles to her side and tries to ease her into a sitting position.

Her face is wrought with pain, though she tries to hide it. "That fall was harder than I thought," she admits.

He runs his hand down her hair and presses a kiss to her temple. "I'll get Emily to get you some more meds."

She shakes her head. "I can't for another two hours."

He sinks back into the couch, but that reaches to lace his fingers between hers. He squeezes.

"You're right," he says, moments later.

And she's confused.

"It isn't fair." He answers.

She meets his eyes so he continues.

"I mean all of this isn't fair and I'd be a lot less pleasant and definitely less attractive to deal with if the roles were reversed."

The smile that illuminates her face is the one that she can never hide from him – the one he always manages to find.

"But …it wasn't fair for me to propose to you while you were upset. That solves nothing."

"You can't solve _any_ of this, Deeks."

"Well…okay…we can agree to disagree, but –"

"No, Deeks, I meant it –

" _Kensi_ ," when he cuts her off, it's sharp. "This sucks, _okay_? You – being here – like this, and not knowing whether or not any of your pain or hard work is going to pay off. I can't fathom how awful it is."

She blinks at him, but says nothing. He's startled her.

"Except, I can a little because I felt like I was losing… _everything_ …when you wouldn't wake up. And I know it's not the same – I do, but I _love_ you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She sighs. She's resigned and hopeless. And he doesn't know the last time he saw Kensi like this.

"Things are different now." She mutters.

Deeks straightens and his brows furrows. His stomach has just landed three floors below. "So you don't want to…?" he cant – he _won't_ finish his sentence.

"That's not what I meant."

"So what _did_ you mean?" he asks.

She rolls her necks and looks away. "Do we have to do this right now, Deeks?"

" _Yes_."

She throws her head back against the pillows and he can see the tears welling in her eyes. "I could plateau and only ever to be semi mobile and in a wheelchair."

He shakes his head. "So?" He doesn't understand.

"So…that's not who you fell in love with."

"Kensi, _really_?" He shakes his head and stands. " _Really_?" He begins to pace because he's _mad_ at her now and he doesn't want to yell, but he also doesn't want to cry and he keeps vacillating between the two.

"I fell in love with my partner. I fell in love with my best friend." Each time he punctuates a word, the avalanche of emotion that is beginning within him tumbles just a little bit faster. "The only person who has ever really _gotten_ me. The girl who jokes with me and talks in circles. Who challenges me to be a better person."

"Deeks," She tries to stop him.

"You're gorgeous, that didn't hurt." He continues, "And watching you drop kick someone is definitely a thrill, but Kens," he stops pacing and sinks down in front of her on the bed. "You got to be kidding me, if you think the small chance that you're going to be in a wheelchair is going to send me running."

"I wouldn't blame you."

"You should." He rubs her leg, squeezes it a couple different places, hoping to keep the blood flowing. It has become his habit. "Kens, I'm not going anywhere and I will remind you every hour if that's what you need because I refuse to let you sit here and think that."

* * *

She holds onto Deeks' arm as she slips her sneakers off. She has come a long way since the first time she unsuccessfully stood on her own.

Kensi can stand on her own now, it is still more difficult than she would like but she can do it.

She walks on her own, too – though not for long distances but she's building stamina everyday. She has yet to walk on anything but her very supportive sneakers and the firm ground beneath her so the idea of her bare feet on the uneven and unstable sand before her is intimidating, to say the least.

But Deeks wanted to go to the beach. He insisted and used "physical therapy and strength training" as a way to convince her.

"I'm going to fall," she says to him. And she thinks that maybe this trip down to the water was not such a good idea.

"No you're not." He says.

She grips his arm as they step off the boardwalk and Kensi's a little unprepared for how happy she is to feel the sand beneath her toes. Maybe he had a point.

Deeks wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her close, effectively stabilizing you. "I got you," he says and she nods.

They make their way towards the water's edge. Deeks is chatting incessantly about the swells that he's hoping to catch tomorrow morning. "The thing is, though," he says, "It'll be the January second and all the resolutionaries will be trying to catch the early morning waves."

"That's not a word," she says.

"No, no, I think it is."

They reach the water and she's so happy to feel the waves against her ankles. Kensi's even happier to realize that she can hold her own as the waves lap against her.

"You good for a second?" Deeks asks and she nods.

Her eyes tear as his arms leave her. Losing her father will always be the hardest thing that she has ever gone through, but since then, she's taken everything that has come her way as a surmountable challenge. But this had been different.

When her father was killed, she lost him and she felt like the world was against her, but in the hospital and in rehab, she had felt like she was losing herself. And that made it so much more difficult.

And yet, here she is, standing on the beach, on her own, watching the sunset, the man who loves her by her side.

At the thought of Deeks, she turns. Just where had he gone?

And that is when she see him, on his knees, shirt off, ring in hand. Kensi covers her mouth with her hand.

" _Oh, Deeks_ ," And her voice is anything but steady.

"Did you think I'd forgotten?" he asks.

She shakes her head, but she can't speak. All she can do is laugh while the tears stream down her face.

"The last time I proposed," he begins, "Life was really hard and I thought that maybe this ring could fix some of it." He shakes his head. "But that plan was flawed for several reasons – "

"You had a shirt on."

"That being the most _fundamental_ , yes." He agrees. Deeks takes her hand and rubs his thumb against her knuckles. She sways and she knows it worries him.

"You gonna fall?" he asks. His hold turns from tender to securing.

"You got me," she responds.

"Yeah," he nods, and she watches as the words sink through his entire being. "Yeah I got you. And Kens, what I've learned in the past few months is that – you and I – we're going to run into a lot of things we can't fix because this…you and me…it's kind of messy. But I've got you now. And I want to be there forever – through all of it because together, we're unbeatable and I want to spend my days on stakeouts with you and my nights in your arms and my weekends on beach or a mountain or anywhere...as long as you're there…so… Kensi Marie Blye, will you _please_ marry me?"

She tucks her tear stained hair behind her ear and cocks her head to the side. "Should I make you ask for a fourth time?"

He smiles and squeezes her hand. "I will ask forty times," he promises.

She shakes her head. "No…this is the one."

"This is _it_?" he confirms and they're both reveling in the joke. Because this is _them_. Humor and love and faithfulness in front of what anyone else might see as insurmountable obstacles.

"Yes, Martin Deeks. This is _it_. I will marry you…if you'll still have me."

"Always," he says as he anxiously slips the ring on his finger. "God," he mutters, "that felt good."

She leans forward to kiss him, to wrap herself in his warmth, but her legs start to wobble and she only see his mischievous grin for a second before she's on top off him with a thud, her knees in the sand and her head on his chest.

"I might have done that on purpose," he confesses.

"I liked it."

His hand in her hair and her hand on his cheek, she kisses him, she kisses him for the times that she scowled at him in the hospital, the times she took out her frustration on him, the times he knew she just needed him to hold her, the times he made her laugh when she didn't know she needed to, the way he looks at her, the way he protects her, for how much he trusts her with his life and his heart and his happiness, she kisses him because it has taken them so long to get to this point, but here they are and all she can hope is that she gets to spend her days and nights and weekends with him for as long as possible.

"Hey, Mrs. Deeks?" he says when she pulls back. "I think we're stuck here."

* * *

 **A/N: still new to Densi and Kensi (especially) and Deeks so let me know what you think. I'm obsessed with these two. -Caro**


End file.
